Friday, February 19, 2010

Slim Pickings

We met at the local Dive and Dine, one of my favorite restaurant chains in the city. I'm sure it had a name, but my brain is a sieve when it comes to things like that. Names are overrated, anyway. Like the name of my date. I can't even remember that. She was drop-dead gorgeous, though. I remember that quite clearly. She was sleek and brown and fast. But God, aren't they all?

It was a blind date. Sammy from Home Tree set me up with her. I owe Sammy big time for all the blind dates he's arranged for me. Maybe one of them will go beyond the "Wham, Bam! Thank ya, ma'am" stage, but I doubt it. I just never seem to meet the right one. Or maybe I'm the one not right for them. Whatever. It all amounts to the same thing. We're just not made to be monogamous. God help me, I've tried.

The Dive and Dine is one big smörgåsbord with people crammed all around the buffet. I found my date near the top, which is not one of the better places for sampling the choicest dishes.

"Up here, love?" I asked as I took the empty space beside her that she'd been saving for me.

She sighed. "Yeah, I know. It's pretty slim pickings. But all the good spots were full up when I arrived."

I flashed her my best "I-Don't-Care-As-Long-As-You're-Dessert" smile and dug in to the feast before me. I ripped off a thin strip of a shoulder steak between my teeth and began chewing. I jerked my head toward the head of the buffet. "Care for one of the appetizers, bird? I see no one's got to those rare bits yet."

"No, thank you. You can have them." She said, pausing to return my "come-hither" look with one of her own. Oh, yeah, I thought to myself, there will be some good loving tonight.

I strolled up to the top and plucked them out, one by one, and journeyed back to my lady love's side.

"Sure you don't want one of these little treats? Blue ones are the tastiest, in my opinion. At least regarding humans."

"No, really. I don't care much for eyeballs," she said.

That's where I left her: sex, or no sex.

No self-respecting vulture ever says that they don't like eyeballs.

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